The first Fantastic Four film, while bad (even very bad), was a bit of harmless fun. If you could get past the changes to traditional Fantastic Four continuity, like Victor Von Doom going up into space with our heroes and getting blasted with cosmic radiation and the casting of Jessica Alba turning the uber-maternal Sue Storm into a mall walking Valley Girl, you could have one hell of a good time. The bottom line with superhero films is always the action sequences and the first film delivered there, with impressively choreographed sequences that showcased all the individual team member’s powers and how they fit together.
But what sets the truly great superhero films (Spiderman 2, Batman Begins, and uh…uhhh…) apart from the bad ones (Ghost Rider, Daredevil, Elektra, Superman Returns, Batman and Robin, and so on ad infinitum) is what happens between those action sequences. The great films use that time for genuine character development , to envelop you completely in the alter-ego’s life so that when the punches start flying you care about the consequences (the biggest GASP in the theater when I saw Spiderman 3 was not from the hard-hitting high-flying action but the moment when Peter Parker hits Mary Jane). The bad superhero films fill the space between the punches with flat, jokey dialogue and in-your-face, blandly delivered exposition.
The Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer is the second kind of superhero film.
Throughout their existence, and especially in the Lee-Kirby golden years , the Fantastic Four stood apart from other superheroes because they were first and foremost a family. This meant that who Johnny was dating or if Ben was pouting was just as important as which member of the Skrull Empire was invading the planet this month. It also meant that there were not the same kind of tidy resolutions that were going on over at DC, problems lingered and developed into personal crises which oftentimes spilled over into their gloriously rendered space battles. In the films that translates into the four team members squabbling constantly over petty matters, prompting an Army General to shout ‘What the hell is wrong with you people?!’
Well, General, plenty is wrong with these people and in some cases it begins with the people themselves. Jessica Alba is one of the biggest stars in the world, a fact which only makes sense when you realize that Paris Hilton is as well.
And David Hasselhoff.
And Pamela Anderson.
Jessica is a beautiful girl, but it’s time at last for a straight male to say it: she is a terrible actress. Her eyes are so blank and empty that she seems to be planning her next text message as she waits for the other actors to finish their lines. Her delivery is so breathy and phone sex that when she embraces her brother on her wedding day, you half expect them to start making out.
She’s not helped by the script, which hands us a Sue Storm (soon to be Richards) who is arbitrarily pouty and selfish. Poor Reed! Gee, honey, I’m sorry that I might be a little distracted from our wedding by the mysterious interstellar force that could destroy our planet. But Sue not only pouts, she suggests that after the Four corral this pesky Silver Surfer (or Silver…Surfer, as Ioan Gruffudd intones in full-on Bill Shatner mode) fellow that Sue and Reed might, y’know step away from the superhero game and, like, have kids and junk. It’s ridiculous to put those words in Sue’s mouth and even more ridiculous to have Reed AGREE (!). The worst part, though, is that we can see twenty scenes down the line to the moment where Reed and Sue realize the error of their ways and how important it is that the Four stick together. There a dozens of moments like this, scenes that are clearly the set-up to a ‘moment’ later on in the film that are delivered with all the subtlety of a good old fashioned clobberin’ by Ben Grimm.
Oh, but you almost wish that Sue and Reed would leave Johnny and Ben alone. Because their exchanges, and the goddamn fun that Michael Chiklis and Chris Evans seem to be having with their characters, give the film its only life.
Chris Evans may be a gigantic star in the making. He seems to have walked in from another movie where they’re having a lot more fun, and drinks are on the house. Hell, Johnny Storm even shows a bit of (GASP) character development. It’s a bit surprising in a movie this dull to be kind of hoping that Johnny can win over that icy but gorgeous Army chick. After all, we know he’s not a bad guy. He’s just very pleased with himself. And Evans also seems much more at home with the action moments than the rest of the cast, the moment where he realizes that he is the key to stopping Doctor Doom and the sequence that follows, with Johnny going all Super Skrull and combining the powers of the Four to wallop Doom is genuinely, finally cool.
Also cool are the special effects. The movie at least looks great, and the Silver Surfer’s first few appearances give you hope for an exciting climax, but we don’t get that either. The Surfer was always one of Jack ‘King’ Kirby’s goofier creations (an alien on a surfboard named Radd? Pull the other one, Jack), so it’s no surprise that the inherent silliness lingers a bit in his screen debut. But the filmmakers go one step further than the King, making Norrin Radd Sue Storm’s own personal Jesus, saving her life with his cosmic energy. Energy which is pretty much capable of doing whatever the filmmakers and Julian McMahon’s agent require (‘My client’s too fucking pretty to be behind a mask all film!’). But the Surfer as a spaced-out Deux Ex Machina doesn’t end there, he takes out Galactus at film’s end by firing a blast of energy shaped like a freaking cross.
But what sets the truly great superhero films (Spiderman 2, Batman Begins, and uh…uhhh…) apart from the bad ones (Ghost Rider, Daredevil, Elektra, Superman Returns, Batman and Robin, and so on ad infinitum) is what happens between those action sequences. The great films use that time for genuine character development , to envelop you completely in the alter-ego’s life so that when the punches start flying you care about the consequences (the biggest GASP in the theater when I saw Spiderman 3 was not from the hard-hitting high-flying action but the moment when Peter Parker hits Mary Jane). The bad superhero films fill the space between the punches with flat, jokey dialogue and in-your-face, blandly delivered exposition.
The Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer is the second kind of superhero film.
Throughout their existence, and especially in the Lee-Kirby golden years , the Fantastic Four stood apart from other superheroes because they were first and foremost a family. This meant that who Johnny was dating or if Ben was pouting was just as important as which member of the Skrull Empire was invading the planet this month. It also meant that there were not the same kind of tidy resolutions that were going on over at DC, problems lingered and developed into personal crises which oftentimes spilled over into their gloriously rendered space battles. In the films that translates into the four team members squabbling constantly over petty matters, prompting an Army General to shout ‘What the hell is wrong with you people?!’
Well, General, plenty is wrong with these people and in some cases it begins with the people themselves. Jessica Alba is one of the biggest stars in the world, a fact which only makes sense when you realize that Paris Hilton is as well.
And David Hasselhoff.
And Pamela Anderson.
Jessica is a beautiful girl, but it’s time at last for a straight male to say it: she is a terrible actress. Her eyes are so blank and empty that she seems to be planning her next text message as she waits for the other actors to finish their lines. Her delivery is so breathy and phone sex that when she embraces her brother on her wedding day, you half expect them to start making out.
She’s not helped by the script, which hands us a Sue Storm (soon to be Richards) who is arbitrarily pouty and selfish. Poor Reed! Gee, honey, I’m sorry that I might be a little distracted from our wedding by the mysterious interstellar force that could destroy our planet. But Sue not only pouts, she suggests that after the Four corral this pesky Silver Surfer (or Silver…Surfer, as Ioan Gruffudd intones in full-on Bill Shatner mode) fellow that Sue and Reed might, y’know step away from the superhero game and, like, have kids and junk. It’s ridiculous to put those words in Sue’s mouth and even more ridiculous to have Reed AGREE (!). The worst part, though, is that we can see twenty scenes down the line to the moment where Reed and Sue realize the error of their ways and how important it is that the Four stick together. There a dozens of moments like this, scenes that are clearly the set-up to a ‘moment’ later on in the film that are delivered with all the subtlety of a good old fashioned clobberin’ by Ben Grimm.
Oh, but you almost wish that Sue and Reed would leave Johnny and Ben alone. Because their exchanges, and the goddamn fun that Michael Chiklis and Chris Evans seem to be having with their characters, give the film its only life.
Chris Evans may be a gigantic star in the making. He seems to have walked in from another movie where they’re having a lot more fun, and drinks are on the house. Hell, Johnny Storm even shows a bit of (GASP) character development. It’s a bit surprising in a movie this dull to be kind of hoping that Johnny can win over that icy but gorgeous Army chick. After all, we know he’s not a bad guy. He’s just very pleased with himself. And Evans also seems much more at home with the action moments than the rest of the cast, the moment where he realizes that he is the key to stopping Doctor Doom and the sequence that follows, with Johnny going all Super Skrull and combining the powers of the Four to wallop Doom is genuinely, finally cool.
Also cool are the special effects. The movie at least looks great, and the Silver Surfer’s first few appearances give you hope for an exciting climax, but we don’t get that either. The Surfer was always one of Jack ‘King’ Kirby’s goofier creations (an alien on a surfboard named Radd? Pull the other one, Jack), so it’s no surprise that the inherent silliness lingers a bit in his screen debut. But the filmmakers go one step further than the King, making Norrin Radd Sue Storm’s own personal Jesus, saving her life with his cosmic energy. Energy which is pretty much capable of doing whatever the filmmakers and Julian McMahon’s agent require (‘My client’s too fucking pretty to be behind a mask all film!’). But the Surfer as a spaced-out Deux Ex Machina doesn’t end there, he takes out Galactus at film’s end by firing a blast of energy shaped like a freaking cross.
And while we're on the subject of Sue's near-death-experience: why does she jump in front of the Surfer to block him from Doom's silver lance thingie? She knows damn well that the cosmic powers of the board can defeat her force fields (the Surfer ::ahem:: penetrated her defenses earlier). Why doesn't she just use her force-field to, say, push the Surfer out of the way of the aformentioned silver lance thingie? Because once again, the film needs to stage a 'moment'.
Oh, and to finally answer the question that so many geeks have been asking ahead of the film’s release, Galactus is not the 500 foot tall, purple-clad dude of the comics, but rather an intergalactic force, wrapped in a cloud of…whatever. Because a silver alien on a surfboard and a man made of orange rocks are one thing, but a humanoid Galactus would just be, you know, weird. But the Surfer seems to refer to this cloud as ‘him’, and do we catch just a hint of a face in the cloud, or even the horned silhouette of the classic Galactus? We don’t know. Or care, by that point.
There is one moment that encapsulates everything that is wrong with this film: the moment in which Victor Von Doom throws a Latervian metal worker to his death in blind fury, for no apparent reason. Are skilled metal workers so plentiful in Latervia that Doom can dispose of them so easily? The mind reels with the implications. But the movie doesn’t care. It moves on, leaving you baffled.
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer: D
Oh, and to finally answer the question that so many geeks have been asking ahead of the film’s release, Galactus is not the 500 foot tall, purple-clad dude of the comics, but rather an intergalactic force, wrapped in a cloud of…whatever. Because a silver alien on a surfboard and a man made of orange rocks are one thing, but a humanoid Galactus would just be, you know, weird. But the Surfer seems to refer to this cloud as ‘him’, and do we catch just a hint of a face in the cloud, or even the horned silhouette of the classic Galactus? We don’t know. Or care, by that point.
There is one moment that encapsulates everything that is wrong with this film: the moment in which Victor Von Doom throws a Latervian metal worker to his death in blind fury, for no apparent reason. Are skilled metal workers so plentiful in Latervia that Doom can dispose of them so easily? The mind reels with the implications. But the movie doesn’t care. It moves on, leaving you baffled.
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer: D
Matthew Guerrero
